I've got the Crazies

Kate slid toward the edge of the two seater porch swing as it jerked forward. She swung her arm out to reach for the edge of the cushion but grasped Vince’s arm instead, her fingernails trailing across his skin as she continued to fall. Vince caught her and pushed her shoulder to the back of the seat. Then Kate wriggled herself into position with drunken, exaggerated twists of her hips and torso.
“Alright there, Ma'am?” Vince teased.
Kate giggled and bent over so she could look down at the dusty green boards of the porch floor for her purse to get her cigarettes. She squinted her eyes in the dark, or as dark as it could get in the city.
“Yep. Fine, fine, fine.” She giggled again, head between her bare knees.
She stretched to reach for her purse, nearly falling over again. This time, purse in hand, she recovered by standing up and tripping the three steps ahead to the railing.
Vince watched her fight with the zipper until she finally got it open and drew out a cigarette. She dropped the purse at her feet and began flicking the dial of her lighter. Her shaking hands were no where near the cigarette—not that she was producing a flame anyway. He shook his head, getting up to join her at the railing, and attempted to take the lighter out of her hands.
Kate started to protest, whining around the cigarette between her lips and hiding the lighter behind her back, until she realized he was going to help her. He plucked the green plastic lighter out of her hands, flicked the dial once, sparking a steady flame, and cupped his free hand around it while Kate leaned in and inhaled until her cigarette was ignited.
“Thank you.” She rested her hip against the railing.
Vince nodded, pulled a cigarette from his breast pocket and lit up himself, before handing Kate the lighter.
He propped his elbows on the railing and watched as cars zoomed past on the city street below them. They heard the familiar honk of impatient taxis and the occasional far off siren.
“I’ve never seen you this drunk before.” Vince said.
“I’ve never needed to be this drunk before.” She squinted again. Without her glasses, she couldn’t see the traffic below, and the many mojitos in her system were making the world even blurrier.
“Oh yeah?”
“Besides, I’m not drunk. I’m not drunk until I’m making out with somebody.”
She gestured out past the railing with her cigarette, as if to summon one of the drivers for her cause.
“I think you might need to reevaluate your definition of drunk.” Vince laughed.
“Nope. That’s how it works.”
“What happens if there’s nobody for you to make out with?” he asked.
“Then I’m not drunk.” Taking the last drag of her cigarette, Kate tossed it off the balcony.
She spun around, tripped over her own feet in the process, and fell to the floor, her yellow cotton skirt sliding up her thighs.
“I think that proves my point.” Vince sighed, looking down at her.
“Nope.” Kate protested, but also making no move to get up.
“C’mon now. Let’s at least sit on the swing, not on the floor.”
Kate pushed herself up with her hands, but didn’t make it more than an inch above the boards before falling again.
“I think I’m good here.” She giggled.
Vince wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her up, her back leaning against his legs so he could half carry- half drag her over to the swing.
“That better?” he asked, when she was sitting again.
Kate leaned her head back and closed her eyes.
“ I think so.”
“Good. Now what’s wrong?”
Kate kept her eyes closed. She shook her head back and forth against the seat, and felt her blonde hair scraping against the fabric.
“Nothing’s wrong. Why do you ask?”
“You said you’d never needed to be this drunk before.”
“People say silly things when they’re drinking.”
“Yeah, they do. But, there’s usually some truth in them, the kinds of things people won’t say when they’re sober.”
“This isn’t one of them.” Kate stretched her legs out, sliding her feet across the floor.
“I think you’re lying.”
“I’m not.”
“Look me in the eye and say that.”
Kate squeezed her already closed eyes shut.
“Can’t. Everything’s spinning.”
“Kate.”
“If I open my eyes, I’m going to throw up on you.”
“Well we don’t want that.”
“Exactly.”
“Kate,” Vince started, “you don’t puke from drinking unless you’re upset about something. You know that, and I know that. So if that’s the direction you’re going in, something’s up.”
“Maybe I finally found my limit.”
Vince laughed. “I’ve seen you kill a fifth all on your own, without a hangover to speak of the next day. If a couple girly drinks has you sick, something’s definitely wrong.”
“Stop.”
“Not until you tell me what’s wrong.”
“No, I mean stop moving the swing.” Kate moaned before falling forward again.
She choked and heaved in the direction of her feet, her hair spilling over her face. Vince brushed it back and rubbed her shoulder as she gasped, though still not vomiting.
Kate sat up, leaned back again and took a few deep breaths, eyes still closed. The wet streaks on her face reflected the streetlights. He couldn’t tell if it was from the dry heaving or if she was crying.
“Well?” Vince asked.
“Well, what?”
“What’s wrong?”
Kate bit her lip. This meant one of two things. She was turned on, or she was anxious. Usually, it was both.
“Nobody’s ever going to love me.”
That was not the answer either of them was expecting.
“What are you talking about?”
“Vince, I’ve got the crazies. Nobody is ever going to love me.”
He reached over to wipe away the tear tracks from her face, more to buy himself some time than out of affection. Things just weren’t that way between him and Kate.
“Everybody’s got the crazies. You just have to find someone who can deal with your particular brand and vice versa.”
Kate shook her head, vigorously at first, so her hair danced around the silvery white straps of her tank top, then, more slowly as the motion aggravated her inebriated brain.
“Damn it, I’m not talking about cute little quirks and eccentricities. I mean, legit crazies. I’m sick.”
Kate heard the familiar click of a lighter. Vince lit another cigarette, taking a drag and blowing it out before answering.
“So am I. So are a lot of other people. You’ve got the looks and the charm to even it out. So what if you need a little extra help getting through the day, there isn’t a famous person out there who didn’t have some kind of crazy in ‘em.”
They’d had this same conversation before. Sober. They were both more than a little messed up. They couldn’t be together, it would be too awkward at this point. The initial attraction had come from finding someone who understood. But now they knew they each had to find someone stable—someone who could balance the crazies, as they put it.
“If I could open my eyes, I would punch you in the face right now.”
“Yeah, but you can’t. Totally empty threat.”
“Then I could punch you and puke on you. It would be double the revenge.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“I would. But I don’t want to move.”
Vince took a drag of his cigarette.
"So I win by default.”
“You don’t win. We just have to postpone this debate for a time when I’m not dying.”
“You’re not dying.”
“Nope. Not that lucky.”
“Kate.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. She peeped her eyes open, but avoided looking at him.
He got angry every time she mentioned dying. She had this stupid ten year plan that called for her being healthy, financially sound and in a stable relationship before she was thirty or she was going to kill herself. He hated when she referred to it. Not just because he cared, but because he was jealous that she had that kind of determination.
“Do you? What do you know? Because I don’t think you know what a catch you are.”
She tried to glare at him, but couldn’t make out more than her eyelashes, so she shut her eyes again.
“Yeah, well, neither do you, mister, so shut the fuck up.”
He knew she was right. Self-esteem was not either of their strong points.
“Fair enough.”
Kate was too drunk to fight, she hated fighting with Vince to begin with. He was the only person she really trusted.
“Truce?”
Vince took the last drag of his cigarette and dropped it to the floor, grinding it out with his shoe.
“I need a drink.” Vince sighed.
“Go for it. I think I need another cigarette.”
She started to lean forward, then fell back, turning her head so her cheek was resting on the cushion.
Vince pushed himself up off the swing, shook his head and leaned down to kiss Kate on the cheek. With her eyes closed again, she smiled, and the rum began to pull her into sleep.